Rambling Poem on Grief, Saturday, July 31, 2010

For over ten years, I had processed life with you.
It helped me to process life with God in turn;
You did not understand me most of the time,
But you responded with a head move, a noise,
I would call it talking to me, and you would great me always.
You loved me unconditionally at all times even as you died,
And helped me to believe that God did the same.
I am really struggling processing my life now –
Don’t process very well in my head and
I cannot seem to get over this disconnect with You, Abba.
In my head, I know You are here..
And in my head, I will talk to You,
But that makes me go in loops and circles
Which never seem to get nowhere
And then I just turn to meditating which processes nothing.
I try to talk out loud, but are You really here?
Do You really care and will You really respond to me?
I break down with people who seem so much safer;
I run away and avoid the whole thing,
Making everything build up worse and worse.
I fight to take care of myself, my constant battle
When I just want to do something to shut down,
I get annoyed because even the slightest thing done
Makes me feel sick, disgusting, and worse than I started!
So, I lay here having actually taken care of myself today.
Having melted down to a friend and runaway multiple times,
I have trapped myself in the tiny space of my room
And as I am in here I feel cluster phobic because of my stubbornness.
You gave me a beautiful day of rain, picking peaches, and friends,
But it had this void in it; this overwhelming sadness and loss.
You have taken my companion and want me to turn to You,
But I refuse to let You comfort me in my grieve.
You did this hurtful thing, You allowed more pain and suffering;
Why should I let You touch my heart with Your tenderness?
And if I don’t I am left with more insanity then I can handle,
I am hedged in yet again, perfectly by Your plan.
A choice of five hours of comfort and then finally a good night sleep,
Or five hours of mental torture and more restless, fighting sleep.
Why didn’t You make me nice soft, easy soil for Your seeds?

Necklace Holder, Saturday, July 24, 2010

So on Thursday morning at 2am, I lost my dear pet, Lucky, who I had for 10 and a half years. Valley Fever had taken over her nervous system in her brain. I have been crying and lot, mourning a lot and just missing her. I went on a cleaning, organizational rampage today and I pulled out my dresser drawer that has all my necklaces. About three years ago or maybe longer, I was asking people to give me necklaces so I could walk into my femininity. I really like them. I also meet two people who make jewelry two years ago and they have given many many beautiful things. But they were all cluttered and tangled in this drawer and I had a resorted to wearing my favorite cross that my sister gave me for Christmas everyday. Today, I decided to make a necklace holder that would go on the wall. It is not perfect, I measured nothing, just the way I wanted it, simple, and to the point and kind of whimsical. It is all made with stuff that the house already had: wood from the back yard, nails that I found in my room while I was organizing, acrylic paint that I had, and the tools that the house already owned. And know I have all my stuff in view, untangled, and high enough for children to not easily reach. And my necklaces bring beauty and joy to my room.

Blessing, Monday, July 19, 2010

“Just as important as your medication,”
The words echo as I spend time with You,
Are you my drug, my addiction?
This is what Paul meant by contentment,
It is only You who bring peace and calm,
No matter what the storm or problem or pain.
I took You for granted this past week,
And I crashed and burned into Satan’s lies.
I gave and gave and emptied my soul;
Such an easy target my heart and mind became,

How amazing it is that You are right there!!
You never moved, never turned, never went away,
Right there to refresh my soul and sooth my wounds
When I turned to seek Your holy face.
Why cannot I just rest in the comfy chair with You?
Why must I fight and bicker and be so independent?
I wonder sometimes after one of these episodes,
“What does He really think of me?”
Those are the times I wish I could see Jesus’ eyes,
You have blessed me much but never with this.

Chinese Spontaneous Flower, Sunday, July 18, 2010

Had Mountain Solitude today and just lavished up the joy of being with God surround by the beauty of His creation and nature. The cool air, trees, and this red squirrel that kept dropping leaves and pine cones out of the tree about five feet away from me. He or she was huge. My soul so needed the time with God and the time away. I was realizing how busy this week had been and how I had not slowed down much just to let Him nurture my soul. So I decided to one of my funniest things today with my art and do a wet into wet flower. This is from the Chinese watercolor book by the same artist that the fish from previous days come from. It was a lot of fun to do. Just playing around.

Reflections on the day, Saturday, July 17, 2010

Reflections on the day. I was really busy today and did not have a chance to do art, but I wrote this free form poem.



Revealing more and more of my heart,
The lack of contentment within,
The old familiar lie revealed,
You are just like my father,
Your only plans are for my destruction,
So much wrestling to let that go,
So much struggling to be free from that sin,
And yet it remains and rears its ugly head again.
I am confronted with my sin by a trusted leader;
I would have run away before;
I would not have even sat in the room,
I would have destroyed myself in some way.
This moment I turn to You and weep and mourn,
What a wretch of a creature I am!!!
All of my righteousness like filthy rages;
A constant reminder that I am nothing without Christ,
Exposure of the demand to get it right to be free from pain;
Your words echo, “In this world you will have trouble,
But take heart, I have overcome the world.”


But what does it mean that You have overcome the world?
Satan appears to still have dominion over this world,
Our flesh is still as corrupt as it was the day we were born,
Evil is all around, decay rules the earth,
Trouble and suffering are the norm,
When is the overcome part,
Where is the King will rule on His throne forever?
You seem so far away when I want You very near,
So intangible; when I want You to have arms and legs and feet.
You have given me so much, revealed so much,
And I do not understand why I cannot be satisfied;
I want so much more of Your revelation.
Why am I never content Abba?

Lost Sheep, Thursday, July 15, 2010

Lost sheep wandering around in the darkness,
Living as if life is fine and under control,
Yet totally bond by Satan’s lies and sin.
The light shines through the narrow crack in the heart;
Some quickly receive it but then turn away,
Some shut it out immediately, hiding deeper within,
Some grab hold not fully realizing but embracing.

What of those who turn away and hide?
I did that so long myself for so many years,
Embracing some of the light, but living in so much bondage,
You still reveal to me more and more light as I grow.
But my heart aches for these lost sheep that cross my path,
All I have to give is our story and Your light;
The passion, love, and compassion are overwhelming.

The long time question remains for all of us:
Are You truly the God You say You are?
Sovereign, loving, holy, just, good, in control of all. . . .
Will I trust You with the lost sheep I see?
They are really Your sheep, not mine;
You have more grace, mercy, love, compassion than me;
May we all be empty vessels to be filled by You.

Poem, True Life, Tuesday, July 12, 2010

Posting this Monday, but it will be my blog for Tuesday. Tuesday is a little crazy, so wanted to get a head start on things. Not in iambic pentameter, but a rough Sonnet.

Burning fire in my veins the passion flows,
Where can I go to release all of this confusion?
As quickly as live comes, so intensely it goes.
This must not, could not all be an illusion.

What can I make of my soul and sexuality?
There are constant eyes to the sins of the past,
Many of those sins were from ones I had no immunity,
And some stayed forever, while others went so fast.

I am left with my passion, love, and story--
Which brings light that awakens some
And sends others further into the darkened quarry.
Will there be darkness or the light of the Awesome?

That is all I really have in this life,
The One who is and is to come as True Life.

Squirrel, Monday, July 12, 2010

This is a one minute sketch from a photo a a squirrel that was taken out the window in my house mate's sister's house in Texas. They had squirrels everywhere there. It was so green and lush compared to Tucson.

Little Chick, Sunday, July 11, 2010

This is a little wet into wet chick. As i was working on stuff today, I was thinking that I need to devote some time to my mother, son portrait that I need to do for my friend this is my third mother child portrait that I have done for her. Perhaps, I can do the progression of the portrait here on the blog.

Goldfish, Friday, July 9, 2010

This is another watercolor fish from the Painting Chinese Watercolors. This was a splashing Goldfish that I did. It was supposed to be more wet into wet, but I was doing it in a thin sketchbook paper and I did not want the paper to buckle, so I did not do it too wet. Would love to do it bigger on watercolor paper sometime.

Bubble Eye Fish, Thursday, July 8, 2010

This was a fun fish to paint out of the Painting Chinese Watercolors. I like painting fish they are fun. Susan inspired me to look at fish again from her blog from the California fish that she painted. The Painting Chinese Watercolors is my favorite animal painter it is by Lian Quan Zhen. I just use watercolor paper. This one was actually done in a sketch book.

Splashy Garden Flower, Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Painted this flower from our garden on the side of the house. It was a splashy little watercolor sketch. I am playing with how to restore my colors after scans with gimp, so I am still working on all of that. It is a fun adventure.

Tortoise, Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Another one minute sketch. I love animals. I have been sketching these off of photographs from various zoos. This one is from the Tucson zoo. I love to go to different zoos and take lots of pictures of animals. It is good. I have lots of material for one minutes sketches.

Poem, Struggle of Faith, Monday, July 5, 2010

Sometimes I think I finally understand something,

But it slips away like water in a hand.

I have a simple idea of life and God through my story

That appears radically wrong to mainstream Christianity.

I struggle, toil, and study to discover the deep things of God and man,

And I am left with more questions upon unanswered questions.

My finite brain trying to wrap around the infinite mind of Christ,

I am left with the light and dark simplicity of following the Holy Spirit,

Working my salvation out with fear and trembling,

And constantly screwing up because I am nowhere near like Christ.

I go back to the Gospel again and again,

The basics of grace, mercy, love, forgiveness—

My heart dwells there like a child eating candy.

Are we ever able to follow grasp the Gospel?

Is there anything basic or simple about God?

As I am trying to rationalize these things with my mind,

I realize, I am unable to fully comprehend

Because it all comes down to faith.

Sleeping Panda, Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July!!! I love Panda's. And I love the brush pen. This guy was in San Diego when I visited sleeping in the trees. I would love to go back at some time, but it will be a while.

Slow down and sketch, Saturday, July 3, 2010

It often takes a physical impairment to slow me down and make me look at what I am doing with my life. I got in a car accident on the 22nd of June and it has resulted in a lot of pain and exhaustion, thus slowing down. I have been thinking about my art a lot in this time. I put these structures and boundaries around my art that I can only do these things or this book and then I get overwhelmed and discouraged and do no art at all. I was thinking today that I just need to slow down and play again with my art. I did a couple of one minute sketches. The one minute sketch comes from the book - Art Escapes- which my house mate Susan Cepin gave me years ago. So, I decided to do this little collage to remind myself to be more playful and just have fun with my art because that is what it is all about anyway.