Two Sunsets

My friend Andy Stang really likes sunsets and reminded me of late of God's hand in them. One of these, I did a couple weeks ago for Andy. The other I did today just having fun.

Butterfly

I was challenged this morning by a man I dearly love who is a father to me. Challenged in my thinking and in my patterns to do something seemingly impossible to my mind. I am not sure if I actually succeeded in the challenge or not, but I learned that much more of our thoughts and moods are a reflection of choices then I wanted to believe. As I was rummaging through my mind that often seems so closed off to me, I was thinking of renewal, rebirth, redemption, and such things. They often remind me of butterflies, so the sketch for today is this butterfly from the International Wildlife Museum.

Poetry of Purpose

Words flowing endlessly
Like tantalizing gifts
Coming from the source
Of all that exists.
The mind finds one there
The mouth another here
Honey dripping from the lips.
Thoughts bubbling, roaring
Up to the surface,
They exist in the mind
To be written with the pen.
A challenge from the Master
To see the world through
Eyes filled with grace and mercy.
Deeper and deeper within
The poetry reveals the truth
Existence has purpose
To Glorify the Master.

Lynx

I wrote the two poems for today last night after I had a hard day dealing with the Lithium I am on. I had went to the International Wildlife museum yesterday to draw and take pictures. It was a struggle to do either as I could not stop my hands from shaking. I have been having tremors from the medication that I am on currently. This Lynx was the only sketch that managed to survive from my frustration with my hands.

Two Bipolar Poems

Sometimes in life
There are periods
Of massive discomfort.
Nothing seems bearable,
Nothing makes sense,
Everything twirls around
Like a carousel
As your head tries
To make decisions
But nothing is right.
Replaying each option
Always some good
Then there is bad.
They try to explain
There is no right
And no wrong
Only choices with
Consequences that vary.
My hear wants law.
My head legalism,
But it is not
The way of God:
Freedom for the Captives.
My brain agonizes
With the grace
Of this truth.







Chemicals race through my veins.
Too many to count them all.
They have crazy side effects
That makes me want to stop
This chemical dependency
That I have been forced into.
But the alternative is worse:
Depression, Mania, Psychosis
I cannot bear life
Without these psychotropics.
I wonder how other think.
How they feel and decide.
What their emotions are like.
As for me, I seem unable
To free myself of this roller coaster
Unable to think with clarity
To decide from sanity or insanity.
I want a manual for life.
Trying to gain information, knowledge
In some feeble attempt
To make sense of the cycles.
Even this vary act seems futile,
Why can’t I just let go?

Botanical Garden Flower in Tucson

I went to the Botanical Gardens in Tucson this morning. I spent some time sketching the flowers and got to see the Tropical Butterflies before they leave for the season. I like this painting the most because it was the most dramatic for colors and got the dusty wind of the day in the blue around the flower. It was very fun and relaxing, but still struggling with the medication and overheating easily.

Living with Mental Illness

This is a 16X20 acrylic and the photograph takes away from a lot of the texture. This reflects my thoughts on mental illness. The narrow, green path of chemical balance that can be disturbed so easily and throw me into the highs of mania or the spiraling lows of depression. It was really fun to paint, but took me at least an hour to get the paint off of my hands and arms so that I could be presentable at the interview that I had this morning.

Bookmark of Flowers

Yesterday, my house mate, Julie, asked me to do a watercolor sketch of the flowers that her daughter, Anna, collected around our yard. The result of that was this bookmark that she wanted. I did this watercolor sketch while listening to mindless TV on Hulu while I was trying to recover from overheating yesterday. I did do a painting today, but it is still not dry. So, there will be a fun acrylic coming tomorrow.

Verde Canyon Train Ride - Cottonwood

I painted this watercolor sketch on the Verde Canyon Railroad Train. My friend Amy took my on this trip as a belated Birthday present. We were in first class on the Sycamore car. There were these beautiful Cottonwood trees all in the Canyon by the water with a backdrop of the red, orange layered canyon walls. It was beautiful. Although, it is not the easiest things to sketch while riding a train.

Aqua Caliente Park

Not thrilled with today's posting, the scan did not come out well. However, this is the watercolor sketch that I did Monday at Aqua Caliente Park. I saw a so many birds and then the all disappeared when I sat down to paint.

Flowers at Tohono Chul Park

It was kind of a rough day today. Nothing seemed to be working. I did kind of like this flower sketch that I did at Tohono Chul Park. Tomorrow will be a new day. I have an acrylic painting idea; I just might start that tonight.

Big Horn Sheep, April 17, 2012

Feeling so much better and can drive again, so I went out to the International Wildlife Museum today. It is a perfect place to sketch and look at animals without any of the Tucson heat and sunlight that I have been struggling to cope with. This was a watercolor wash of one of the Big Horn Sheep there.

Snail Flower Vine, April 16, 2012

This is why I take my medication even though it gives me twitches; I am able to do functional things when I take them. Today, I spent the morning at Aqua Caliente Park and did some watercolor sketches and took pictures. I saw lots of birds. In the afternoon, I painted the Snail Flower. This is a great little flower that is a vine at the Reid Park Zoo as you walk down and see the Capybara. I have been fascinated by these flowers for three years now. I finally painted one in acrylic today.

The World of Medication Poem

I can feel the insanity coming on;
The heart is pounding, the thoughts roaring
The mind jumps from this to that to this other thing:
Swirling around in a maze of great ideas,
Let’s jump in the car and see where it takes us,
I want to fly, to soar. . .
Who cut my wings?
Who destroyed what was mine?
I beautiful falcon locked up behind iron bars.
Some chemical poured into my brain,
What if I just lost all the medication?
What if I just went completely off?
Would the world stop?
Would I die, would I get to see Jesus?
Would I rise to some glorious mystical place. . .
Beyond any thought or reason?
Would I see it all again?
The detailed truth that only lies in pure mania
I want the energy, I want the ideas,
I want to fly with the manic world
To beyond this place, this world
I want to touch that place deep in my soul
That has been untouched for so long
The non-medicated human being
That lies hidden within this shell of a body
Where did she go?
Where is the song bird?
She has been destroyed by medication.

Spring in the Desert, April 15, 2012

This is what I love about the Desert. When everything comes to bloom and the colors are flying, it is a beautiful thing to see among all the cacti.

Isaiah 54 Collage, April 10, 2012

I worked on this Collage over the weekend and finally finished it yesterday. It has Isiah 54 in the upper right quadrant; this is one of my favorite passages and has been meaning a lot to me recently. I had to do the whole collage over again because the first round did not turn out at all, but I am very happy with this finished product.

East Garden, April 7, 2012

I am currently on Medical Leave from work. I have decided to devote some time back into creativity and art. This Spring our house decided to make several little garden areas all around the yard. This is the rock garden on the east side of the house.

Night for My Lover and I Poem, March 2012

A night for my Lover and I –
No agendas, no plans;
It begins with tears of hopelessness;
It ends with tears of joy.
We find a familiar place.
Although it has been so long,
We are totally alone with each other
While being surrounded by many,
But no one can touch this moment;
No one can disturb what will take place;
It is all in my Lover’s hands.
The spot, the moment, the words, the remembrance—
All planned for when I most need it;
All ready for my return to the comfy chair;
All set for another romantic season.
I just have to turn, to inquire, to sit in the moment;
He always starts with memories;
What He has done, Where we have been.
The bondage, the freedom, the honeymoon –
The honeymoon has come up lately;
Those beautiful days in San Diego
The rain, the animals, the beach, the strangers
A sudden romance inflamed as we got lost
And as I found myself for the first time.
We have not dated in so long;
I have refused, live has surmounted
But my Lover was always close;
We never parted; I only forgot.
He woos me back just like before
With tenderness unimaginable
And grace beyond all I could ask.
My calling before me,
No sacrifice is needed;
No Ebenezer needs to be made;
I am reminded of the flower inked into my skin;
The delicate flower that lies within
Only He touches that place,
Only He knows those longings.
I neglect it and wish it were gone
While He nurtures and brings peace
To every tender and frightened part.
We speak of barrenness;
We speak of the many children.
We speak of the hurting;
We speak of the joy.
We speak of everything
Yet sit in silence enjoying the presence.
He reminds me again and again—
“Your Maker is you Husband
The Lord Almighty is His name.”