Deep Longing Poem

Deep longing still sits there in my soul;
How can You comfort me?
The question glares at me like a neon light
Exposing the bare nakedness and emptiness
That lies within this wounded heart
I pursued so many souls this week,
Poured myself into so many lives,
Solved this problem here and there,
Trained this thing, taught on that thing,
Exhaustedly fell into bed and was kissed by You
With a simple scripture or an answered prayer;
I longed for real live arms around me,
A voice back to me to process my crazy head.
We even had one night of extra time
You showed me so much in Your word;
I struggled to sleep because I messed up my meds;
The next day I longed for someone to ask me,
To see what was going on with me to prop,
Not to just ask a general question
That I could easily answer,
But for someone to truly explore my depths.
A got a hug from a friend which got me through.
I got the love of a father to finish up the week
And remind me that I am not You to all these,
I give more, take care of myself the best I can
As the wounded, flawed creature I am.
And now I am here, beginning the Sabbath,
Our time, left with my longings;
To not be sitting here crying, alone,
To have a relationship that I can call my own,
To be pursued the way I pursue and love.
And yet, I am not alone here.
You are here as always.
I wish You had arms, and hands, and eyes;
I wish I could talk to You here in my room
Like the disciples talked to Jesus in the upper room.
I want to lean on Your breast like John;
I want to weep at Your feet like the women,
I want You to embrace me like You did the children.
I want You to wipe my tears like You will in Heaven.

Seeking Solutions Poem, Saturday, August 21, 2010

Seeking solutions, if I can only get it right . . .
All will be okay in my life,
I will be happy and joyous,
The emptiness will be gone,
The pain and sadness will go away,
The obsession and compulsion will disappear,
Cycling of depression and mania will vanish.
If I can only talk to the right person,
If I can only do enough good to make up for the bad,
Hear the right message,
Do the right workbook, action, feel right, be right . . .
If I could only fix my brain and thoughts,
Make people happy, have them affirm me, have them like me,
If I could only be in a romantic relationship, have kids,
If I could only have my own house, be financially out of debt.
If I could only kill my flesh more and not listen to Satan. . . .

What happened to contentment and peace and joy?
What happened to not even judging myself
But listening to the Holy Spirit for conviction and repentance?
What happened to repentance and rest being my salvation
And quietness and trust being my strength?
What happened to resting and sharing in the safety of Jesus’ community?
What happened to the comfy chair of God’s unconditional love?
What happened to relying on God to change me
Because I cannot and will never be able to change myself.
What happened to the Gospel and Jesus that cleanses me?
What happened to the only sacrifice that matters
And the only Grand Story that really has impact?

Jesus, Abba, bring me to my knees and to Your heart.
Fill my empty heart with You, take away my foolish idols.