Seeking solutions, if I can only get it right . . .
All will be okay in my life,
I will be happy and joyous,
The emptiness will be gone,
The pain and sadness will go away,
The obsession and compulsion will disappear,
Cycling of depression and mania will vanish.
If I can only talk to the right person,
If I can only do enough good to make up for the bad,
Hear the right message,
Do the right workbook, action, feel right, be right . . .
If I could only fix my brain and thoughts,
Make people happy, have them affirm me, have them like me,
If I could only be in a romantic relationship, have kids,
If I could only have my own house, be financially out of debt.
If I could only kill my flesh more and not listen to Satan. . . .
What happened to contentment and peace and joy?
What happened to not even judging myself
But listening to the Holy Spirit for conviction and repentance?
What happened to repentance and rest being my salvation
And quietness and trust being my strength?
What happened to resting and sharing in the safety of Jesus’ community?
What happened to the comfy chair of God’s unconditional love?
What happened to relying on God to change me
Because I cannot and will never be able to change myself.
What happened to the Gospel and Jesus that cleanses me?
What happened to the only sacrifice that matters
And the only Grand Story that really has impact?
Jesus, Abba, bring me to my knees and to Your heart.
Fill my empty heart with You, take away my foolish idols.
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