Deep Longing Poem

Deep longing still sits there in my soul;
How can You comfort me?
The question glares at me like a neon light
Exposing the bare nakedness and emptiness
That lies within this wounded heart
I pursued so many souls this week,
Poured myself into so many lives,
Solved this problem here and there,
Trained this thing, taught on that thing,
Exhaustedly fell into bed and was kissed by You
With a simple scripture or an answered prayer;
I longed for real live arms around me,
A voice back to me to process my crazy head.
We even had one night of extra time
You showed me so much in Your word;
I struggled to sleep because I messed up my meds;
The next day I longed for someone to ask me,
To see what was going on with me to prop,
Not to just ask a general question
That I could easily answer,
But for someone to truly explore my depths.
A got a hug from a friend which got me through.
I got the love of a father to finish up the week
And remind me that I am not You to all these,
I give more, take care of myself the best I can
As the wounded, flawed creature I am.
And now I am here, beginning the Sabbath,
Our time, left with my longings;
To not be sitting here crying, alone,
To have a relationship that I can call my own,
To be pursued the way I pursue and love.
And yet, I am not alone here.
You are here as always.
I wish You had arms, and hands, and eyes;
I wish I could talk to You here in my room
Like the disciples talked to Jesus in the upper room.
I want to lean on Your breast like John;
I want to weep at Your feet like the women,
I want You to embrace me like You did the children.
I want You to wipe my tears like You will in Heaven.

Seeking Solutions Poem, Saturday, August 21, 2010

Seeking solutions, if I can only get it right . . .
All will be okay in my life,
I will be happy and joyous,
The emptiness will be gone,
The pain and sadness will go away,
The obsession and compulsion will disappear,
Cycling of depression and mania will vanish.
If I can only talk to the right person,
If I can only do enough good to make up for the bad,
Hear the right message,
Do the right workbook, action, feel right, be right . . .
If I could only fix my brain and thoughts,
Make people happy, have them affirm me, have them like me,
If I could only be in a romantic relationship, have kids,
If I could only have my own house, be financially out of debt.
If I could only kill my flesh more and not listen to Satan. . . .

What happened to contentment and peace and joy?
What happened to not even judging myself
But listening to the Holy Spirit for conviction and repentance?
What happened to repentance and rest being my salvation
And quietness and trust being my strength?
What happened to resting and sharing in the safety of Jesus’ community?
What happened to the comfy chair of God’s unconditional love?
What happened to relying on God to change me
Because I cannot and will never be able to change myself.
What happened to the Gospel and Jesus that cleanses me?
What happened to the only sacrifice that matters
And the only Grand Story that really has impact?

Jesus, Abba, bring me to my knees and to Your heart.
Fill my empty heart with You, take away my foolish idols.

Rambling Poem on Grief, Saturday, July 31, 2010

For over ten years, I had processed life with you.
It helped me to process life with God in turn;
You did not understand me most of the time,
But you responded with a head move, a noise,
I would call it talking to me, and you would great me always.
You loved me unconditionally at all times even as you died,
And helped me to believe that God did the same.
I am really struggling processing my life now –
Don’t process very well in my head and
I cannot seem to get over this disconnect with You, Abba.
In my head, I know You are here..
And in my head, I will talk to You,
But that makes me go in loops and circles
Which never seem to get nowhere
And then I just turn to meditating which processes nothing.
I try to talk out loud, but are You really here?
Do You really care and will You really respond to me?
I break down with people who seem so much safer;
I run away and avoid the whole thing,
Making everything build up worse and worse.
I fight to take care of myself, my constant battle
When I just want to do something to shut down,
I get annoyed because even the slightest thing done
Makes me feel sick, disgusting, and worse than I started!
So, I lay here having actually taken care of myself today.
Having melted down to a friend and runaway multiple times,
I have trapped myself in the tiny space of my room
And as I am in here I feel cluster phobic because of my stubbornness.
You gave me a beautiful day of rain, picking peaches, and friends,
But it had this void in it; this overwhelming sadness and loss.
You have taken my companion and want me to turn to You,
But I refuse to let You comfort me in my grieve.
You did this hurtful thing, You allowed more pain and suffering;
Why should I let You touch my heart with Your tenderness?
And if I don’t I am left with more insanity then I can handle,
I am hedged in yet again, perfectly by Your plan.
A choice of five hours of comfort and then finally a good night sleep,
Or five hours of mental torture and more restless, fighting sleep.
Why didn’t You make me nice soft, easy soil for Your seeds?

Necklace Holder, Saturday, July 24, 2010

So on Thursday morning at 2am, I lost my dear pet, Lucky, who I had for 10 and a half years. Valley Fever had taken over her nervous system in her brain. I have been crying and lot, mourning a lot and just missing her. I went on a cleaning, organizational rampage today and I pulled out my dresser drawer that has all my necklaces. About three years ago or maybe longer, I was asking people to give me necklaces so I could walk into my femininity. I really like them. I also meet two people who make jewelry two years ago and they have given many many beautiful things. But they were all cluttered and tangled in this drawer and I had a resorted to wearing my favorite cross that my sister gave me for Christmas everyday. Today, I decided to make a necklace holder that would go on the wall. It is not perfect, I measured nothing, just the way I wanted it, simple, and to the point and kind of whimsical. It is all made with stuff that the house already had: wood from the back yard, nails that I found in my room while I was organizing, acrylic paint that I had, and the tools that the house already owned. And know I have all my stuff in view, untangled, and high enough for children to not easily reach. And my necklaces bring beauty and joy to my room.

Blessing, Monday, July 19, 2010

“Just as important as your medication,”
The words echo as I spend time with You,
Are you my drug, my addiction?
This is what Paul meant by contentment,
It is only You who bring peace and calm,
No matter what the storm or problem or pain.
I took You for granted this past week,
And I crashed and burned into Satan’s lies.
I gave and gave and emptied my soul;
Such an easy target my heart and mind became,

How amazing it is that You are right there!!
You never moved, never turned, never went away,
Right there to refresh my soul and sooth my wounds
When I turned to seek Your holy face.
Why cannot I just rest in the comfy chair with You?
Why must I fight and bicker and be so independent?
I wonder sometimes after one of these episodes,
“What does He really think of me?”
Those are the times I wish I could see Jesus’ eyes,
You have blessed me much but never with this.

Chinese Spontaneous Flower, Sunday, July 18, 2010

Had Mountain Solitude today and just lavished up the joy of being with God surround by the beauty of His creation and nature. The cool air, trees, and this red squirrel that kept dropping leaves and pine cones out of the tree about five feet away from me. He or she was huge. My soul so needed the time with God and the time away. I was realizing how busy this week had been and how I had not slowed down much just to let Him nurture my soul. So I decided to one of my funniest things today with my art and do a wet into wet flower. This is from the Chinese watercolor book by the same artist that the fish from previous days come from. It was a lot of fun to do. Just playing around.

Reflections on the day, Saturday, July 17, 2010

Reflections on the day. I was really busy today and did not have a chance to do art, but I wrote this free form poem.



Revealing more and more of my heart,
The lack of contentment within,
The old familiar lie revealed,
You are just like my father,
Your only plans are for my destruction,
So much wrestling to let that go,
So much struggling to be free from that sin,
And yet it remains and rears its ugly head again.
I am confronted with my sin by a trusted leader;
I would have run away before;
I would not have even sat in the room,
I would have destroyed myself in some way.
This moment I turn to You and weep and mourn,
What a wretch of a creature I am!!!
All of my righteousness like filthy rages;
A constant reminder that I am nothing without Christ,
Exposure of the demand to get it right to be free from pain;
Your words echo, “In this world you will have trouble,
But take heart, I have overcome the world.”


But what does it mean that You have overcome the world?
Satan appears to still have dominion over this world,
Our flesh is still as corrupt as it was the day we were born,
Evil is all around, decay rules the earth,
Trouble and suffering are the norm,
When is the overcome part,
Where is the King will rule on His throne forever?
You seem so far away when I want You very near,
So intangible; when I want You to have arms and legs and feet.
You have given me so much, revealed so much,
And I do not understand why I cannot be satisfied;
I want so much more of Your revelation.
Why am I never content Abba?